Top 10 New “Rights” Found in the Constitution

The supreme court wrapped up a busy session this week. Here is a quick overview of the new rights they found in the constitution this session.

10. The Right to Keep and Arm Bears – New acts coming soon by Barnum & Bailey Circus.

9. The Mime Non-Personhood Clause – extends post-birth abortion rights to parents of mimes.

8. The Time Lord Legal Research Clause – allows emanations from the penumbra to be harnessed for traveling back in time and rewriting the constitution as Ginsberg knows the founders really intended.

7. The Right to Offense – allows any non-white non-male citizen resident to sue for any perceived offense. ACLU files lawsuit because they were offended the Supreme Court hadn’t found it already.

6. The Right to Free Speeches – Prohibits the travel costs and teleprompter costs of presidential speeches from being charged to U.S. taxpayers. A compromise from the left and right wings of the court to get him to shut up already.

5. The Right to Search and Seizure – For citizens who enjoy that sort of thing. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

4. The TSA Reciprocal Groping Clause – What’s good for the goose is to be goosed back.

3. Global Warming Speech Reduction Clause –  Allows carbon dioxide credits through reduction of hot air produced by DC pundits, politicians, and new media.

2. The NSA Way Back Machine – grants feminists the right to search NSA archives and prove once and for all their husbands male domestic partners really did say that.

1. Mandatory Probing Fiscal Burden Relief – Requires all government intrusions to be provided free of charge under Obamacare.

  • 4 years ago